1) Love Yourself First 

Having been a people pleaser, deeply insecure, and drawn to trauma-bonded relationships, I never truly understood what it meant to love myself. It wasn’t something I had ever been shown—because the adults in my life didn’t know how to love themselves either. For a long time, I believed that putting myself first was selfish, but I’ve come to realize that’s one of the biggest lies we’re taught. The truth is, you can’t fully love others or make healthy, grounded choices for your life—or your children’s—until you learn to love yourself first. This wasn’t an easy lesson. It took years of therapy, support from doctors, medication (which helped me, though it’s not for everyone), and the difficult process of letting go of toxic people and patterns.

2)Healing is the Most Painful Experience

A term I created during my recovery is this: sobriety is the most beautifully painful experience of my life. It’s something I carried with me and shared with the women I later counselled in the treatment center where I worked. Healing is painful—but it’s also incredibly beautiful. It’s like a butterfly shedding its cocoon, going through the struggle before it can emerge with wings. Healing asks you to shed your old skin, to let go of what once protected you, so you can grow into something new.

So permit yourself to cocoon for as long as you need—but don’t forget, your wings are already there, waiting for you to fly.

3) Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame don’t just disappear—they linger. As mothers, we’re no strangers to everyday guilt, like working too much or not being home enough. But the kind of guilt and shame I’m talking about runs much deeper. It’s tied to our pasts—the abuse we endured at the hands of people we trusted more than anyone else.

For me, it showed up as shame around my upbringing and feeling like my life didn’t measure up to those around me. That shame, paired with a deep lack of self-worth, led me down dark paths—ones that took years to find my way out of. I carried guilt for wasted time, for the choices I made, and for not being the mother I so desperately wanted to be during the first seven years of my son’s life. It was debilitating.

But healing began the moment I walked into an AA room, in tears, feeling completely broken. From there, it became a process—meetings, therapy, support from doctors, and a team of people who helped me slowly piece myself back together. It was incredibly hard work, but it was also deeply rewarding.

4) Healing is Empowering

Healing is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy—far from it. It is painful, excruciating at times. It forces us to confront ourselves in ways we’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.

And yet, healing is empowering. We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. We have seen the worst. We are broken, bruised, battered—but how much worse can it really get? We dig deeper than ever before, clawing our way back to the top, where the air feels fresher, the breeze brushes our face again, and the sun shines like we haven’t seen it in years.

Then comes the hardest part: pulling ourselves over the edge with every last fiber of strength we can muster. And when we finally breathe—real, true breath—it feels like the first time in years.

And we keep going. Never looking back. Walking away from the life we once thought we could never escape.

What could be more empowering than that? You can do it. I believe in you.

5) Out with the Old, In with the New

The final step—arguably the hardest—is removing people, places, and things that no longer serve us. Friends, family, hangout spots, even phone numbers that no longer belong in our lives—all of it must go. For me, this was the only way I could survive.

It took years to become comfortable being truly alone. In the beginning, there were many lonely tears. But I promise you: learning to be enough for yourself, learning to love yourself fully, is one of the most rewarding journeys you will ever take. It worked for me. Today, I have a small, tight circle of incredible people who love me for all the right reasons—and that makes every difficult step worth it.